Dear Inner Child

My darling sweet girl,

Where do I begin….

I know that life has been incredibly difficult for you. The pain, turmoil and confusion you have experience is beyond comprehension. You have faced and overcome many challenges. You have been control, manipulated, punished, rejected, silenced and downtrodden.

Fear has overshadowed your every move, gripping and suctioning on to you like a vice, reminding you of your emotionally unstable childhood, the rejection and abandonment haunting every breath of your existence.

You didn’t have a sense of belonging, or secure, consistent place to rest, and express yourself.

You didn’t know who to be, what mask to wear in order to fit in, nor did you know how to play the game of life. Life was confusing, chaotic and scary. You chose to escape into your own little world from a young age, because escapism was your safety net.

When you tried to communicate your beautiful pure essence, you were judged, questioned, damned and labelled.

“Who are you to complain when you have it all? You’re pretty, skinny, social and strong. How dare you moan when clearly there are many others are far worse off than you so be quiet”. You were muted, shamed and made to feel like a nuisance, no wonder you learned to squish your emotions as you grew. Who would listen anyway? And that’s what you attracted. People who were who driven, they wanted you to listen and fix because you believed their needs were far more superior than yours. You were attractive bait for narcissists.

You floated and drifted, latching on to anyone who showed an ounce of kindness. Your heart so desperate to make up for all the love and validation it failed to receive from mum and dad.

You were determined to find people to fill your void, seeking out the ones who needed a super hero to fly in and save the day. You were an award winning superhero - everyone loved you. But all the while you abandoned me - that little girl who needed you to be HER superhero.

My darling inner child, little Caroline, I hope you forgive me, and I hope you know it’s safe for you to express yourself now. I’m here for you and I want you to know that I will NEVER abandon you. I am wiser now. I know how to recognise the hurtful ones. I will protect you I promise. I won’t allow anyone to abuse and betray you. I understand you. I see you and I hear you. I am grateful for the second chance you gave me to re-parent you. I thank you for being patient with me, at times you screamed so loudly you lost your voice, but now I hear you even when you whisper because I’m paying attention.

A year ago I met you in my dreams. We were in a magical field surrounded by wavy grass, birds and butterflies. Your heart was filled with wonder, innocence and beauty. You laughed as you ran wildly through the fields as if someone was playfully chasing you.

When your eyes met mine you shrivelled and retreated. I saw the scared look in your eyes. The look that no parent wants to witness - the one that makes you feel like a monster. Your face filled with terror and uncertainty, as you turned away ready to run for your life.

I begged you to stay, to give me a chance to prove to you that I have changed, that I am different now, I am stronger, wiser and more attuned to your needs.

It took me a long time to convince you to come close enough to reach my hand. You shy’d away quietly whispering ‘how can I trust you when you abandoned me all those years ago?’. How can I connect with you when you have ignored me, doubted and criticised my every word?’.

‘How can I fall into your seemingly safe arms when you haven’t kept me safe?’. ‘You chose people who hurt me and called me names. People who backed away, blamed me, lied and neglected me’. ‘How can I trust you to keep me safe and secure when all my life you have put others needs before my own?’. ‘I have been begging to be heard and seen, but you chose to squish me down, ignore and discard me’. No wonder others did the same to you. If you had listened to me all along, you wouldn’t be nursing a broken heart. If you hadn’t muted me I could’ve warned you. If you hadn’t chose to place me in the corner, I could’ve saved you ten years of misery’.

With sincerity, reassurance and my comforting words, you stepped forth slowly and hesitantly. Our eyes connected and we stared at each other for long enough to view the windows of our soul - the soul we shared - the soul that was stolen from us by our predators, long long ago. That soul we chose to reclaim that day. The soul we celebrated as ours, the strong, courageous beautiful soul that was now about to redeem itself.

My darling girl, for many years, you felt alone and misunderstood. You felt like you were never good enough, no matter how hard you tried. You felt like everything was your fault.

I’m writing you to validate your feelings, so that you know you’re not alone anymore.

You’re not crazy, too emotional or too sensitive. You’re not greedy, controlling or ungrateful.

Those who told you that were just emotionally immature and could not fully understand you.

Please understand that’s not your fault. Your feelings are valid and you deserve to express them.

I know how many times you’ve suppressed your needs because you were afraid of being judged for expressing them. I know how many times you’ve hidden your anger when you felt like you were not being treated the way you deserved. And I know how much pain it created inside of you.

Your pain is there for a reason. You were indeed emotionally mistreated in your younger years, and throughout your marriage at the hands of others who didn’t realise your worth. You deserved so much better than that.