Deep behind these eyes I have been harbouring a secret…

Behind these eyes lived an unexplained void, confusion, multiple losses, heartache, loneliness, hurt, abandonment, lack of belonging, lack of purpose and a shattered soul.

If you paused for long enough to look into these eyes at the start of the year you would’ve seen the tears flowing, the stream of oxygen restricting my blood flow, the fear and uncertainty suffocating my chest like a block of concrete.

Behind these eyes lived a stabbing pain of sadness, born from years of manipulation that formed my early years. Here I was moulded into the good girl who never did anything wrong. She learnt to do the right thing, stay quiet, never complain, take it on the chin, do as she was told, play small, shut up, hide under the table, and be seen and not heard, because this is how her world remained safe.

Throughout my entire life I’ve learnt that in order to fit in, I have to sacrifice part of myself. Piece by piece, year after year, strips of my soul were destroyed until I was reduced to a blubbering wreck, curled up in a tight ball on the floor in the foetal position, riddled with desperation, loneliness and despair. Locked in a cage without a key.

Blame, silence, punishment, criticism, judgement, ignorance, betrayal, selfishness and narcissism have consumed my life, sucking every ounce of energy, willpower, strength and courage away from my soul.

To survive I played small. To get through each day I hid more of myself away. I didn’t even recognise the reflection in the mirror anymore. Those unfamiliar eyes staring back at me, the window to the soul that was distant and unrecognisable.

To create the perfection I craved I faked it. I was being pulled away from my authentic self more and more as I learnt to be grateful and accept. Kind of how I was raised. Be grateful and don’t complain. As a child I was a broken soul that never felt good enough, I never fit in, had a sense of belonging or grounding. Therefore as I grew up I opened doors for others to treat her the same way. To discard me, disrespect me and devalue me.

To avoid the pain, I was good at creating opportunities, travel, work, adventure, fulfilling dreams. Distraction became my coping mechanism. Anything and everything I could grasp in order to take my mind away from my misery. The self blame, the self torture, the ignorance to my reality. The more I created turmoil within myself, turmoil knocked on the door, again and again.

When Mum passed away I decided it was time. Time to honour myself, time to rip off the band aid, time to wholeheartedly look within, deep into my soul and stare at the nasty wounds.

At the start of the year I committed myself to six months of full time healing. It was to be my full time job. I dedicated time and space in my world to retrieve the parts of my soul that had been lost. I decided I needed more time alone to find my true self, my authenticity, my calling, my purpose and my identity. I couldn’t live with this stranger anymore.

Within a few weeks I watched my wings sprout and my inner joy return. My physical body healed. No more anxiety, skin irritation or breathlessness. People stopped me in the street asking what my secret was to looking ten years younger.

Five months later the spark has returned to those lost blue eyes. They tell a story that worlds can’t express. They speak of a long difficult inner journey from despair to freedom.

These eyes are an inspiration to others who are currently locked in a dark place, with what seems like no escape. These eyes can guide you to find your true self, for you, nobody else. These eyes hold wisdom, knowing, comfort, clarity, intuition and belief.

These eyes look at the world differently now that the fog has lifted. These eyes have woken up to what was, and no longer is, with forgiveness and compassion. These eyes stare lovingly at my reflection, with pride, determination, bravery, trust, and knowledge that all will be okay. All is as it should be. My journey is mapped out, I just needed to retrieve the lost parts of myself, in order to find the right path.

Despite being told otherwise for the vast majority of my life, I am a good person and I have a loving heart. I am perfect just the way that I am, despite what others think. I am needed in this world. My purpose is to share my gifts, to share my story, my wisdom and my teachings to give others the courage to find their true