For years I sobbed, pleading with him, begging him to absorb my words and act upon them.

There was a disconnect between words and actions that had me feeling worthless. I would say ‘you just don’t hear me’. I asked him why his head was disconnected from his heart. Looking back I realised that disconnect is part of the disease, and not a quick fix.

For a decade I scratched my head in silence, confused by the apparent way this intelligent man could ignore my requests, discount my greatest needs, and innocently forget the things he wholeheartedly promised. I was like a little girl asking ‘But why…?’ Only to be shut down because she was too little and unimportant to know the answers.

He apologised (often), he was passive, not outwardly angry, even though towards the end I saw the ugliness of the suppressed rage, which revealed itself in the controlling manipulation. He said he was ‘useless, hopeless, and that I deserved better’, I believed these words meant he was sincere and desperate to change, but all the while I was playing into the deadly emotional triangle. I was the rescuer and fixer, whilst he was the victim and perpetrator.

I was caught in this song and dance for over ten years. I forgave the little teenage lies because he was an expert at the excusing them, appealing to my kind nature, using my exact vocabulary in a twisted, manipulative way, that by the end of the excuse I was so confused by his intention and meaning I couldn’t even remember what was discussed. I was left spinning in a sea of fog with a belly full of salty water that I knew turned my stomach, but I couldn’t make sense of it all.

I remembered some of his words felt wrong, they had my gut wrenched and twisted in a questionable state, but the kind words that were thrown in amongst it all, made me discard the words that threw me. I wanted to remember the kind, validating words that made me feel worthy, so I CHOSE to ignore the rest - that was, until I woke up.

Before the discard stage he always ended our challenging conversations with an apology (a false one), saying he’s forgetful (intentional), useless (victim), and that he couldn’t be without me because I’m truly the most amazing person in the world (love bombing).

The way in which he learnt to speak my language sucked me in further. This meant he understood me right?………. Wrong!

Narcissists….

cannot hear you

cannot see you

cannot empathise

despise of you when you don’t agree (silently or overtly)

are eager to be right so that they feel heard and seen

pretend they understand you

they learn how to appeal to your kind nature

will be involved only if they’re benefiting

use silence to cause you to scramble to meet their needs

their emotional needs weren’t met during childhood so they’re insecure and damaged

I woke up and smelled the roses, despite my senses being dulled for years. I smelt enough of the sweet scent to be guided by my intuition to break free.

I lived a LIE. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but none of his sweet words were genuine. It was a game of play and catch.

I hope one day you beautiful souls who are sitting scratching your heads are able to listen to that gut wrenching feeling that is saying ‘this isn’t right’. It absolutely isn’t right, and it never will be, in fact it will get worse.

You are worthy of more. You are deserving of better. You are good enough for yourself without their approval.