How can I listen to my body if I can’t bear to be alone with it?

You ignited me from the inside, then over a series of years slowly blanketed my flame, restricting my breath in the process. I couldn’t breathe in your presence. My lungs seemed to shrink, incapable of inhaling enough oxygen to take a full breath. As the molecules of air further constricted, unable to consistently supply each cell, my body reverted into fight or flight, a recognised and comfortable state I had gotten used to whilst living with you. My adrenal glands were under immense stress, draining and sucking the life out of me as I navigated another daunting, fearful and uncertain day with you.

As my mental and emotional mindset experienced the feeling of helplessness, anxiety and depression, my physical body responded by going into a state of panic. Fear rising in my chest, a sensation I akin to drowning.

When the feeling arrived, I kindly asked it to leave, but like a stubborn guest it blankly refused - because ignorance is bliss right?! Perhaps I’m working too hard, taking on too much? I think I need to rest, meditate, do yoga, take more vitamins etc.

Be still. Sit with your feelings. Drop into your body they said. But I couldn’t be alone. When I meditated the panic worsened. I couldn’t breathe. I started to hyperventilate. Connecting with my inner self petrified me. Dark thoughts came to the surface - I was frozen with terror. I felt defeated - perhaps there’s something wrong with me?

How much more could a body endure? How far was I prepared to push my physical being? What would it take to wake up to the cause of my own suffering? Chronic fatigue? Disease? Illness? An accident? What was I waiting for? Hospitalisation? A nervous breakdown? Was that the wake up call I was waiting for?

You dampened my spirit. You sucked every ounce of energy from my bloodstream and my cells. My once clear head was now foggy and mixed up. Previously my words flowed in a creative, orderly fashion, but now I stumbled and fumbled over the simplest of sentences. Like someone with a hangover I was blank, confused and mentally lost.

I felt embarrassed when, during a conversation I couldn’t find the right words. I retreated - preferring to isolate rather than socialise in a place that now felt overwhelming and scary. Where was that girl who once had a sparkle in her eye? The one who was able to confidently talk to anyone without concern or self doubt?

She is there. Can’t you see her? She had been there all along - hiding in the shadows. He couldn’t save me - nobody could. I needed to save myself. It was time to pull myself out of the pit. It was time to admit I had gotten stuck in a pool of victimhood. I was gravitating towards the ones who would pity me, complain with me, pray with me, scratch their heads alongside me, all the while keep me stuck in my sorrow. They say if you socialise with five depressed people, you will become the sixth. Yet, if you surround yourself with five millionaires, you will become wealthy, just like the rest.

I decided I wanted to become the millionaire. I aspired to be the healed, transformed version of myself. I began visualising a life away from suffering. Firstly I needed to believe in my own potential, regardless of what others had told me (parents, sibling, friends, partner). I wasn’t the failure or the ‘spender’ that my father drilled into me. I wasn’t the self centred person my sister labeled me to be. Just because I chose myself, acting upon my adventurous nature, pursuing my dreams to travel the world, seeking more than my small town could provide. Only the black sheep leave.

The opportunities I created were dampened by my own limiting beliefs of shame and guilt. Guilt that it wasn’t my sister or my mum living this amazing life. Guilt that I couldn’t share all that I had earn’t and experienced with those who were still living in my town. Guilt that I wasn’t deserving of my achievements. Guilt that I shouldn’t be happy. Guilt that I shouldn’t share my authentic self through fear of criticism.

As a child I remember voices echoing all around me, both in the playground and from my sister… ‘what do you have to worry about? You’re pretty and skinny - you’ve got nothing to complain about - you’re lucky’.

These seemingly innocent words changed my life in an instant. I started to suppress and I quickly learned to mute. I twisted and contorted myself into the listener, the giver and the saviour. What I had to say fell into insignificance because my issues were of no relevance. I was born genetically blessed I was told, so I shouldn’t show any sign of weakness or unhappiness. I should be grateful and accepting of my life just the way it is. It is here that my wounds were born. It is here that I was destined to meet you, to challenge the ideas that were injected into me 40 years ago.

It is this guilt (stemming from childhood) that magnetised me to you. I know we were destined to meet for my own personal growth. Nothing is coincidental in this life. I was meant to marry you in order to evolve to a higher state of consciousness.

In this lifetime it was my turn to change history. I was called forth, and this time I was ready. The brave queen and warrior in all her glory had been chosen to cut the cords to her past. Seven generations of female trauma at the hands of a man had finally been severed - and what an honour it was to be the one to make history.

Not only have I freed myself, but I have released my children and their children from this toxic generational trauma. It may have taken me twenty years to join the dots and over ten years to fully awaken, but in this lifetime it was my turn to heal. My mother and Nanna suffered abuse, abandonment and betrayal, held hostage by the men they loved, but feared. I have dissolved that fear and I have turned it into power.

Here is what I now know… If deep down I felt I didn’t deserve to be happy, then that is what I chose. If deep down I didn’t have the right to speak my truth, then that is why I lived a lie. If I couldn’t show weakness, then I had to fake my strength. If the little girl within me was told to be grateful, then how could she complain about the apparently perfect relationship (on the outside) that confused her beyond measure on the inside. I chose to be less than. I chose lack. I chose struggle. I chose hardship. I repeated the life I lived as a little girl. I repeated the generational cycle I was born into.

And he (my ex) showed up as the taunters - those old voices echoing in my ear. He silently abused me, but went on to tell me I was never grateful, I was unhappy, entitled, picky, dissatisfied, that I was the spender and should anything go wrong it was somehow always my fault. Unknowingly, he showed up as my father, my sister and my school friends. He terrified the little girl within me. He made me feel worthless, undeserving, insignificant and invisible. Just like that little girl in the playground.

You came with the same green eyes of envy, destined to tear me down because I had something that you wanted or desired. You were jealous of me, just like my sister and my father were. You hated my successes, despite pretending you were proud. The empty look in your eye along with the dull tone in your voice showed me you were seething when I shared something that I had accomplished. You became my father and my sister. And everyday living with you I started to re live the parts of my childhood that haunted me the most.

I didn’t want the responsibility that my family had given me. The caregiver, the strong one, the daughter who takes care of everyone. The one who makes the decisions and keeps the family together. The one who sacrifices her own needs to fulfil others. The counsellor, mediator and advisor. That role that drained me, just like you did. I wanted to shred that old skin. I was ready to take off the ‘pleaser, giver, sacrificer, organiser, nurturer, forgiver, doormat’ masks. But first I needed to surround myself with inspirational individuals who had escaped and healed. I needed to smell and taste what was beyond the suffering.

I had a dream that I fell in love with another man - my soul mate. I had an out of body experience, a heart to heart connection with the man whom I was always meant to be with. He was gentle, kind, loving, giving and caring. He visited me in my dreams to shine a light on my future. He came into my subconscious awareness just as I made a decision to leave you. It was as if he was telling me I was on the right path, that he would find me when I was ready. That night I touched me toe in an ocean of possibilities. A sea of endless joy, happiness and freedom. When I meet you I will know because I have already met you on a metaphysical level.

Never underestimate the power of your mind. Your greatest potential is within you. You have the power to bring positive change. Your limiting thoughts and beliefs will hinder your progress in life. Your negative beliefs are the faulty parts that were ingrained during childhood. These are not YOU. This is NOT your identity. You can break through these old patterns with gutsy determination and courage. I believe in you