I thought I was whole when I met you

I thought I knew myself intimately before you swooned in and literally swept me off my feet. I truly believed the year I spent travelling the world prior to meeting you, I had gotten to know every intricate part of my being. I thought I knew what I wanted and what I deserved. I believed I had been gifted you, my forever, to grow old together, living happily ever after in our own perfect world.

When I set eyes on you I believed it was love at first sight - but you had other ideas. Your love wasn’t real, it was infatuation. In your eyes I made the perfect fashion accessory. You loved the way YOU looked when you had me by your side. Your ego sky rocketed when your friends said ‘wow - you’ve done well….. batting above field with her… you’re so lucky’.

Your self worth exploded when you saw how much extra attention you received with me by your side as your prized possession. Previously you had never had any male admirers, but now men came out of the woodwork, envious of this women you were proudly showing off. Your apparent pride in me lifted my low self worth, suddenly I felt wanted and needed, unlike never before.

This new fashion accessory (me) gave you a boost and a new sense of status.. You received attention from me, and much needed envy from others. But deep down you felt discontentment for the qualities I displayed, the same attributes you wished you had. When you said you admired me, what you really meant is ‘I despise of your strengths’. You only showed your admiration towards me when I was spilling my undivided attention all over you. You lapped up my empathy, grace, affection, time and love.

However, this ball of green jealousy was festering away, rotting and decomposing in an unhealthy twisted way. I would later pay the price for your broken, needy, self centred raging ego. For years you lapped up the praise as you became the centre of my world. As we moved further away from family and friends, the more dependant and reliant I was on you. You adored this strong, motivated, independent go getter when it suited you, but when it didn’t, you felt threatened, calling me controlling, dissatisfied and hard to please. As I became a mum and a homemaker, your ego delighted in the neediness I displayed. I had no family to call upon, only you, which further communicated to your ego that you were my number one. The tall podium that you self righteously stood upon is where you always wanted to be and remain. Ultimately that was your goal in this dynamic. You said ‘when I am happy (me), you’re happy’. For years this comment led me to believe I was your number one, the centre of your universe, and that my happiness, health and well-being was your priority, but it was in fact the other way around. When you’re happy, I (me) should be happy otherwise there’s something wrong with me. You said I wasn’t normal, that I was ungrateful, had too high of a standard, that nobody could ever make me happy because my needs were too great. I spent many years thinking I was this person, that perhaps I wasn’t normal and that’s why I settled for second best. I believed that second best was all that I was worth. I believed that remaining with you was the best that I could achieve. There was no joint place on that podium, there was no room for another, despite you trying to convince me otherwise.

One day we were journeying along a synchronised road where we shared many hobbies, dreams, in depth conversations, goals and desires, to residing in an empty vessel together, devoid of meaning, understanding, heartfelt acceptance and true love.

We were never aligned - it was all an illusion. You weren’t the person I believed you to be back in 2002 when we met. You manipulated and groomed me into believing your soul had a lifetime investment in mine. You selectively chose words that my heart was screaming to hear. You carefully acted out a dream life that I had been longing for. On paper you knew exactly what I needed to hear, feel, see and believe. You had recited my greatest needs like you previously bragged you were able to recite academic teachings prior to an exam.

Materialistically you provided. Items were delivered without question. My prayers were answered in many ways, so I believed I had a good life. You made sure I understood what a privileged life yourself (and your parents wealth). provided. Yet emotionally I was deprived. I was tormented mentally and emotionally, physically I was shrinking.

I was blindsided by the apparent perfect life I had been given. I was manipulated into believing that life had gifted me all that I needed and deserved. Anything above the material items and gifts, was me being greedy, entitled and demanding. Behind the smoke screen was a desperately lonely, unloved, unsupported, frustrated, confused, tormented, and deeply hurt women.

How could our partnership dramatically change? We used to finish each other’s sentences, text or call at the same time, be thinking the very same thought, or dreaming up the same idea. Our direction seemed to suddenly change.

We came to a crossroads and perhaps I decided I wanted to take a different route. Consciously I don’t remember, but subconsciously my heart clearly had other plans in store for me. Subconsciously in a previous life I felt worthy, I was deserving and I was good enough. In my psyche I had lived a happier life long before this one, with a wonderful husband who absolutely doted upon me. He treated me the way he promised he would with affection, honesty and sincere attentiveness. Subconsciously, perhaps I drew upon this past experience to show myself that true love is in fact possible - because I have lived it - long long ago.

This lifetime is here to teach me to strive for what I truly deserve. This lifetime is here to test my strength, my determination and boundaries. This lifetime is here to show me that happiness is not measured by what’s on paper, or by the size of your house, how many children you have, or the incredible career you have carved out.

Happiness comes from within. Your worth also lies within. Your power is in every cell of your body. Your ability to deserve and receive all that is meant to come your way is born within. Love for another is only as deep as the love we feel for ourselves.

I see you, I feel you, I believe in you