Leaving you was literally the greatest escape of my life

Leaving you ripped open my childhood wounds - exposing the truth of my abandonment, my rejection and worthlessness. The very wounds that you temporarily covered up with your intense love bombing, only to gradually rip off the band aid once you had entrapped me.

Leaving you confirmed what I believed about you to be true.

Leaving you tested my parenting skills to the tenth degree as I became Mum and Dad overnight.

Leaving you had me in a conundrum trying to justify time for self care, knowing that I would sink quickly if I didn’t come up for air. I was drowning in a sea of jobs, tasks, demand, bills, paperwork, listening to the loud cries of needs and wants. ‘Just keep swimming - just keep swimming’ as nemo says.

Leaving you forced me to pick up the pieces. I was the one catching the salty tears as they fell down the innocent, soft skin of my grief stricken, sons.

Leaving you showed everyone who shows up despite the weathering storm, and who truly cares when the wheel suddenly falls off.

Leaving you exposed me to prying eyes, when the chips are down I know who is a part of my trusted tribe.

Leaving you created another opportunity for you to blame, judge, guilt and shame me.

Leaving you had me questioning every past choice, decision, thought, feeling and emotion.

Leaving you had me spinning in a web of confusion, trying to salvage my sanity, my mind, my heart and my soul. I didn’t know where to start.

Leaving you had me falling to my knees wondering how the hell I was going to support four young children financially, physically, emotionally and mentally.

Leaving you had me gripped by fear, rejection, sadness, resentment and worthlessness. My past had returned with a vengeance, encasing me in a tomb of temporary darkness, where I needed to don a fake smile to survive each new day for the sake of my sons.

Leaving you had me wondering why I chose to live in silent affliction for so long. Anguish that sucked the life out of my blood vessels, one body part at a time, until the sheer weakness brought me to an abrupt halt. Misery that had me crying multiple times a day wishing the pain would end quickly and quietly. Many an hour I begged the universe to put me to sleep and allow me to wake up in two years time when it was all over.

Leaving you had me question myself. It had me spellbound by this fake life I become accustomed to. I spent many months post separation scratching my head, rewinding, fast forwarding, pausing and freeze framing our life together as I tried to remember those moments when your mask fell off. My mind racing as I scrambled to remember the many moments where you ticked every box in the book titled ‘covert narcissism explained’. But even then I was in denial, refusing to accept I had been duped. Admitting your traits, meant I had to admit I had chosen to sleep for ten years instead of waking up to my truth. Confronting the fact that I had blamed myself for so long meant admitting that I had self criticised and self abandoned.

Ten years living a life that I believed to be true. A life I thought I was responsible for. A life I believed I had failed. A life I believed I didn’t try hard enough to save. I life that had me clinging to hope and faith. A life that meant nothing when the foundations of trust, loyalty, truth, compassion, fairness, care, dignity, empathy, pride, kindness and support were missing. A life that was destined to end in suffering, one day at a time.

By leaving you I gained…

Wholeness, self worth and the feeling of being good enough for myself, not for you, because until you feel good enough, I will never be able to meet your expectations.

A new sense of fulfilment and inner trust.

I gained extra tools in my mothering belt. Tools that had my sons pick up and comment ‘you’ve been a much better mother since dad left - the energy is nicer and you’re much happier’,

I found a new sense of self confidence, strength and resilience

I found a home within myself, the home that I abandoned the day I met you and I gave my soul away for smite that turned out to be very different to the one I imagined (for good and for bad).

I gained for incredible sons who chose me to take on the honourable role of raising them.

I developed a sense of comfort that my boys and I would be fine, because all the hard work I put into the early years of parenting (courses, learning, teaching and growing) was preparing me for what lay ahead.

Finding the courage to leave meant I found my passion and purpose in life. When you witnessed this you said ‘so I needed to fuck up our marriage for you to find your purpose’.

I gained the ability to manifest, believe in myself and trust that I was always going to be okay, because when you break free from the abyss of suffering the only way is up - literally.

I gained the ability and skill set to manage a house, an acreage, children, dogs and chickens as I balanced starting up a new business and studying, earning money wherever I could.

I learnt the importance of role modelling - it’s not what you say it’s what you do- actions speak louder than words.

I learnt that if I wanted to break the cycle to my past, I needed to heal, and fast, so that my sons didn’t carry the curse of narcissism attraction.

I gained the ability to show self respect, self compassion, self love and self deserving. All these skills my sons witness and soak up everyday.

I gained the tools to heal my inner child’s rejection, abandonment, lack of worth and loneliness.

I learnt the art of forgiveness, the power of letting go, and the need to focus on myself not my ex. Whilst I was living in the past, or fantasising about the picture of what could’ve been, I was giving all of my precious energy back to him.

A flower cannot grow unless it is watered, nurtured and given sunlight. My growth was stunted whilst I was handing over my thoughts, my worries, my lack, my need, my fears and my desire to have him there in the distance to turn to in times of need. Once I took back my power I gained so much more in return.

I learnt that I had enabled his behaviour, because without me, he had no playmate to groom his ego. By taking responsibility for the reason I gravitated to him in the first instance, meant I was able to avoid being sucked into future toxic relationships.

I gained a deep, meaningful relationship with myself and my inner child. I gained more like-minded, kind friends, rather than the takers who had plagued me my entire life, using and abusing me.

I gained the understanding that you attract what you are, so by connecting to the feeling of being worthy, I started attracting people who treated me like I was good enough. This was my biggest gain.

The day I left you I connected back to the truth of who I really am….