Relationships die by ice, rather than with fire

The silent killers…

I’ve experienced both types of personalities in my relationships over the years (fiery and icy) and I have to say it’s the ice-cold partners that are the silent killers.

When conflict comes to the table and you’re met with contempt, criticism, defensiveness, blame and stonewalling (blocking off conversation) you are left feeling frozen to the spot, speechless, confused, like you don’t matter, belong or feel valued.

When conflict arises and silence enters the room, the feeling of aloneness is overwhelming. The confusion, the unanswered questions, the roadblocks, the feeling that you aren’t worthy of being heard, worthy of a voice or a choice, this is also a silent killer.

The disconnection, the unspoken silence, the turning of a back mid-speech, the eye-rolling, sighing and shoulder dropping. The unanswered texts, unanswered questions and meaningful requests were ignored. The apprehension to bring up the same conversation through fear of hitting another brick wall creates an internal wall around your heart. The silent killer.

Slowly over time, the silent assassin will suck every ounce of energy out of your body, leaving you feeling withdrawn, listless, anxious, foggy, confused, lonely, and depressed like you don’t matter or don’t deserve.

I encourage you to leave your silence in the trash bin. I encourage you to model to your children how to lovingly and openly communicate your feelings with honesty and integrity.

When you shut down, you teach your children to do the same when they’re feeling angry or sad. As adults, they will silence their partner and children, simply because they never learnt the skills to communicate safely, openly and authentically.

If you find yourself placing walls around your heart, closing off to loved ones, please look at healing this wound because it’s SO damaging to children. I grew up in a household where silent treatment was the norm when someone was annoyed. I trod on eggshells, scared to talk, scared to move, desperate to make everything better, make everyone happier so the silence would go away. And I wonder why I became a people pleaser.

When I get cross, frustrated or sad, or find myself snapping at the boys (every morning on a school day ) I use this language…

I feel sad when you ignore me. Can we all pay attention and work as a team? If you do hear me, then please answer so that you are acknowledging my requests.

I know when you yelled at me you were angry because of...Can we talk about it? I’m here for you. I always hold space and listen whether I agree or not. It’s not about my feelings, it’s allowing my boys to be heard.

I’m sorry I seem impatient, it’s not your fault, I just feel a bit overwhelmed today. I will try to be more patient.

If I see a cross it’s not about you, it’s my inability to handle my own emotions. I’m sorry.

I NEVER silence my children because I know first-hand how lonely and confused this made me feel as a young girl. Children under the age of 12 use you as their barometer. If you’re angry, they think it’s their fault. If you’re sad, they’re asking themselves what they did wrong. If you ignore them, they think they’re bad. If you judge, berate, blame and criticise, they think they’re not good enough.

We are living in a society full of people who don’t feel good enough. A society that’s divided, blaming, scathing, judging, acting from their ego, self-righteous moves designed to tear strips off others. As parents, if we become inquisitive, open doors to understanding more about the self, and our emotions and heal the pain that prevents us from feeling good enough within, we can teach our children how to feel good enough too. It’s the path from darkness to light.

Communicate how you feel. Be honest. If your child has upset you say ‘your behaviour made me feel sad’. Remember your sadness is always related to a trigger from the past, from your childhood. Our children are experts at finding those triggers. Use this as an opportunity to connect within.

I often say to my boys when I’m sad…. My little girl feels lonely, left out, ignored or unappreciated. I talk about the inner child, my past hurts and my wounds, to give them a good understanding as to why I sometimes overreact. It makes sense to them, so they don’t feel guilty for being in some way at fault. They know I take full responsibility for my emotions as I’ve always been open.

They ask why I don’t drink anymore. I tell them I only drank to numb my sadness, but I’m not sad anymore because I’ve healed that wound. I educate them on addiction and how it’s often used to avoid and escape suffering. My 15-year-old says ‘I’m proud of you for quitting’. I want to be a healthy role model.

I want my boys to grow up as responsible self-assured adults. Feeling secure within themselves, not taking on others crap as their own. My eldest is amazing at this, way better than I was as a teen - I admire him. He’s incredibly resilient, easygoing, rarely takes offence and he has so much emotional intelligence. When he gets called horrible names at school he brushes it off with a smile, knowing full well, it’s the aggressor that’s suffering.

He stands up for his friends with loyalty and assertiveness. He won’t stand back and watch anyone be bullied for being different. He is an advocate for equality, in every sense. He steps forth and calls out the bullies. Whereas, I was the one who shrivelled up. I never felt good enough, so I took the punches, again and again.

I hope he’s this way because of the modelling I have reflected, and the guidance I have given him along the way. I would like to take some credit at least