Take a look at these two identical plants

Take a look at these two identical plants. Both were purchased at the same time, in the same healthy condition just a few weeks ago. The two were watered and fed regularly.

One has been living in a bright, light, warm environment with lots of through traffic, happy voices, love and connection, the other has been sitting in a dark, neglected, lonely spot, with very little human interaction.

These two plants are symbolic to me, as they represent my shattered emotional state during my relationship with my ex. Like both plants, I was watered and fed, however I was devoid of love, connection, attention and understanding.

For years I felt like I had been placed in a corner, a darkened place where I couldn’t see, blindfolded and blindsided. I couldn’t communicate why I felt so lost, desperate, detached and alone, nor could I see the truth of what was really going on inside my inner four walled prison, and the prison of my marriage.

I was ignored; physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I began to wilt, dry up, shrivel up, and disappear. I often stared at the blank darkened walls asking how I could have ended up in such a dreadful, dead end, heartbreaking situation.

As I type this I feel a deep sinking sadness in my heart. How could I have ended up in this turmoil? I was living in the same emotionally tormented prison that my dear mum tried to escape from, but she simply gave up. The world outside of her inner prison was scary, uncertain, unpredictable and unsupportive, so she chose to remain still, with her heart and her feet firmly concreted into the ground. She succumbed to early dementia, where she remained imprisoned in her shrinking brain for another 18 years.

For many years I looked to the walls for answers, but they were bland, bare and meaningless. There were no answers, there was no writing on the wall, because the answers were never to be found on the outside, I was being invited to look within, but the world inside was just as scary as the world beyond. And that’s why for years I stared at blankly, unable to see a future, a life, an existence outside of my misery - our misery. I was beaten down mentally and emotionally. He often made me out to be a horrible person, creating a picture of this ungrateful, entitled, unhappy, wounded, controlling, bossy, demanding, angry nag - words and projections that I started to believe. I hated myself. I hated the image of what I had become and I blamed myself for everything.

The four walls of my prison started to shrink. I couldn’t breathe. The air around me was thick and restricted. Every time I tried to inflate my lungs I felt as though my chest was being crushed in a vice. I was dying. I was suffocating ever so slowly. Unless I found the strength and courage to break down these four walls, I would not survive - period.

I couldn’t talk to the walls because I had no words for my situation. I was silent, uncommunicative, and empty. I couldn’t voice or express how I felt because I simply didn’t understand it. I was lost, alone, abandoned and hurt. If within the confines of my home I failed to make sense of my dilemma, how could I begin to express if to others? I didn’t believe it myself, so how could I possibly communicate my inner world to others? I sat within the blankness of these walls for years, hoping one day there would be a message, an exit route, a voice beckoning me forth to the beauty of the outside world. Hoping one day I would be taken by the hand and guided, led to a place of safety where there was no fear, hurt or anguish.

As my heart and soul shrunk, dishevelled, bewildered and confused, my physical health deteriorated. I walked around with stooped shoulders, eyes blank of expression, voice muted, muscles aching and fatigued. I begged for the bare darkened walls to show me the light. I pleaded for direction. I asked for guidance, to be taken back to the confines of my own heart where I could be set free from this immense painful and torment. I cried silent tears of suffering, my eyes devoid of liquid because my real tears had dried up years ago. My heart fractured into pieces, my soul whimpering to the sound of silence, echoing around, bouncing off my four bare walls with a deathly stillness that petrified me.

I had to summon up the courage to fight with all of my might, to dig down deep and find the strength I once doubted I had. To redeem and regain what I had lost. To rediscover myself and my essence, outside of the dysfunctional, counterfeit, muddled, chaotic sham. To fight for and retrieve my stolen soul, in order to be the best mum to my four beautiful boys. The mother who teaches her child the importance of self-worth, and how to live life to the fullest. The mum that my sons deserved. The mother that was born deserving, and good enough. The woman who was placed on this earth in her full form, free to express herself, free to live peacefully, free to be heard and seen without judgement or contempt. The woman that was determined to find her lost her spark, her identity, her joy, and her happiness. The spirit who was free to move around, to breathe, laugh, love and live.

I found her!