The fog descended and that’s where it settled, thick, dense and heavy - just like my fractured heart

My vision was blurry and scattered. I attempted to clear the way, but as soon as I created clearance, more fog appeared, masking my view of myself, of my relationship and my future. I didn’t know which way to turn because every direction was blocked, it was misty, murky and grey. I was being pulled towards the darkness, when my entire being was screaming to be taken to the light.

My soul was shrinking and my heart was numb. As I shrivelled up, I lost sight of my truth, my worth, my goodness and my deserving. I was being pulled and stretched further away from my true nature and my free spirit.

I was teased, guided and led as you walked me down a dead end road littered with unfulfilled promises, pretence, forgery and carelessness.

I was tormented into believing you were real. I was coaxed into thinking you cared. I was transfixed by your every word, holding onto the potential that you sold to me 20 years ago.

And it’s the potential that I fell in love with - not you.

It’s the pretence that sucked me in - not you.

It’s the lip service that gave me hope - not you.

It’s the sorrowful story of your brothers sudden passing ten years before we met that had me hooked, pitying your dreadful loss - not you.

It was the endless emails, letters, cards and texts describing this dream women and the fairytale life we were about to embark on that had me captivated - not you

It was the mimicking of my words, my desires, my needs and life direction that hoovered me in - not you

It was the deceitful way in which you pretended you knew what I wanted and that your purpose was to fulfil those needs without question. The misleading talk of growing old together for better or for worse. The cards that read ‘my soul mate, my everything, my rock, my world, my support, my love’. Looking back, I was all of that to you, but you were NONE of it to me.

Where was my ‘rock’ when I was sick, overwhelmed, grieving the death of my mother, crying lonely tears of despair, begging to be heard, respected, support and understood.

I think you misinterpreted the meaning of the phrase ‘your rock’. I envisaged someone who without question would stand shoulder to shoulder supporting me in times of need. A person who, without a second glance was ready to catch my grief stricken tears when my mother passed away. Someone who I could rely on wholeheartedly when the chips were down. A partner who was true to his word, actioned with integrity and loyalty. A person who put his needs aside, just for a moment.

You were in fact none of that. You were as hard as rock and as cold as a stone. You were soulless and heartless, devoid of the basic qualities needed to thrive in a marriage. You sold yourself well, portraying the vision of someone entirely different, and your sales pitch worked on this naive, loving, giving women.

Perhaps the person and the life you were selling was in fact the person you aspired to be? Someone well out of your reach. A person who would never align to your values, your dishonesty, your disrespect, unreliability, and lack of authenticity.

My dear tormented soul…..You are at peace now. Soften into your new found self. You are deserving. You are worthy. You are good enough. Be sure to know that ahead of you is an amazing life . A life filled with joy, calm, peace and pleasure. You didn’t ask for much, just a simple existence with someone who worships and adores you. What you didn’t realise beforehand, was that, unless you learnt how to adore and worship your own inner gifts and qualities, you would never receive it from another.

You have since learnt all of the things you need to give to yourself first, in order to attract what you seek and desire. Life isn’t as complex as you think my darling, just like 1 + 1 = 2, if you respect yourself, others will respect you too. If you speak to yourself with kindness, others will shower you with kind words. If you trust your intuition, you will connect with trustworthy people. If you know your worth, others will treat you accordingly. If you feel good enough, the universe will deliver people who treat you like you are good enough. This is the law of attraction - it’s not complex - it’s simple really.

Dive deep within your soul. Talk to the pain. Hold onto the hand of fear. Hug the loneliness. Nurture the forgotten parts of you. Massage the bruises. Speak to the confusion. Reassure your lost soul, and kindly guide it back to safety. You haven’t failed my darling - none of this is your fault. It is your faulty programming that lead you here. And it is here that we press the re-boot button……