Where are you? Who are you? Are you real or are you just an empty shell living a human existence?

Where are you? Who are you? Are you real or are you just an empty shell living a human existence? Do you think? Do you reflect? What emotions run through your complicated system?

Do you feel? Do you care? Do you love? If you have the capacity to care about yourself, then why doesn’t this stem to others? Perhaps at birth you had faulty wiring, the same wiring as the women who birthed you. She too appeared soft on the outside, yet in times of need she shifted gear, displaying a hard, firm, callous shell, dismissing those around her, including me, in a cold hearted matriarchal fashion.

She was your nurturer and your first love. The women who talked about the importance of staying at home to raise her three sons. She portrayed your early years as living in a caring, warm, wealthy environment, yet she was too heavily consumed by her own mother wounds to extend an arm to you.

She was supposed to teach you about the beauty of connection, the depth and multitude of feelings, how to care for yourself and others, how to acknowledge your emotions and connect with them. She was supposed to relate to you in a healthy way, put your needs first, say I love you and stand by you when you needed her the most, but she didn’t.

She didn’t know how to teach you responsibility, to take ownership for you mistakes, to tell the truth and to live life with trust and integrity. She was unable to model to you all of the things that are important in life when relating to others…. empathy, compassion, active listening, self sacrifice, protection, and kindness. She failed you because she was also failed as a child.

She broke my heart in your presence, and you continued to break it when you stood by and watched, knowing I was too scared to speak up. I now realise you had some internal agreement, a connection that ran far deeper than the one you shared with me. You had a twisted love, a love that scored points, instead of winning hearts.

You were wired together, born from the same award winning acting school. Your body language moved and behaved in the same way - like Siamese twins thirty years apart. The sighs, the eye rolling, the silence, the ignorance, the pretence, the pity, the whispers under the breath, the back turning and the jealously. You were bound by a narcissistic contract that didn’t need words, it operated from the same remote sensor, moving and directing you along the same path filled with empathetic, kind hearted souls enticed by your charm. The ones you destroyed without a second thought as you trampled, hurt, neglected, devalued and abandoned all of those who came into contact with you.

Your robotic nature and heartless core meant you treated others as nobodies. You used and abused friends, colleagues, partners and your children for your own greed and entitlement. Everyone you reached out to for help or advice was seen as an exchange, of some selfish gain or benefit. Once you had taken what you needed, you walked away, without a second glance. This unappreciative, unapologetic, cold hearted behaviour puzzled this empath. I slowly realised why you couldn’t make and maintain friendships. You only had your school friends from 40 years ago, people who are there on the other side of the world, yet you rarely contact. Friends who knew you as a little boy, but have never met the narcissistic adult in you. Perhaps that’s why you keep them at arms length? Are you afraid they will see the real you?

Nobody knows you the way I do. Nobody sees what lurks below the surface level. Nobody has taken the time to get to know you like I did. Intrinsically tearing apart your psyche, your childhood, your wounds, your thoughts, your behaviours and your weaknesses. I revealed to ‘you’ who you really are, the person you hoped would remain hidden. But I outsmarted you, despite you having two degrees and an intellect you believed was superior to my working class upbringing. I found the missing puzzle pieces to the jigsaw that had remained unfinished for 20 years. All became clear.

I watched your every move with a suspicious eye. I knew ahead of time how you would react, and which of your words would backfire as you tried to tear me down. You wanted to hurt me the way you were hurting on the inside. You wanted to leave every conversation knowing that your ego was intact, meanwhile mine was fractured and raw.

I knew when the childish lies would appear and when you would punish me with your silence. I began to realise how much you hated being wrong. How you despised being told what to do, and how you would passively plot your revenge. I saw the flaws, the inability to relate, truly connect or be willing to understand my every need. I saw the fake you, no longer could you hide the inauthenticity. Your apparent kind words now seemed empty, devoid of meaning, bottomless, dirty and disgusting. Nothing you said had truth or realness to it. I switched off, like my heart had closers it’s door many years prior, my ears, mouth and spirit suddenly shut down. A protective shell encased my torn, confused, helpless body as I distanced myself from your hurt. It was time.

I knew. I knew all along, but I didn’t have enough proof to justify my decision. Like a cold case sitting for decades waiting for that final piece of evidence, I was able to celebrate my win and finally bring justice and peace to my life.

You may have gone, but you’re long gone. Everyday through my four sons I’m reminded of your selfishness. Everyday whilst you still wreak havoc I am reminded of the very same havoc I tolerated. This time your havoc is at arms length. I no longer have to inhale the chaos, breathe in the fear, or consume your negative energy. Each day as I strengthen I am less affected by your games. Like a game of roulette I can usually pick the winner, predicting which turn you will take preparing myself emotionally for the result. I’m still appalled, still shocked, and still in disbelief at your cowardliness, but slowly I am able to accept with is. Letting go of the ability to fix, for the sake of my sons has been the hardest part. But there is no fixing you - not in this lifetime.

For now I am embracing the calmer seas. Although I am gritting my teeth as I prepare for the next phase. I will know when the time is right, both mentally and emotionally to make the next move. When I do begin finalising the official ending of the marriage and the finances I know you won’t give up without a fight. I know I have some muddy waters to cross because rebellion and revenge, which has always been your weapon comes into play.

You never believed I would follow through on my word. Your sense of entitlement told me I would threaten, but would never follow through. But I did. And for now, as you desperately cling on to me as your form of need, greed and supply, I know you will be plotting a way in which to take me down. But that’s okay, because I have it covered. There are many things you think you can do, but boy you are in for a shock. You can’t take away my new healthier body, mind or spirit. You can’t take away my children, because they too have seen the fully formed jigsaw puzzle. You can’t steal the spark away from this newly transformed women, a person you will never get the pleasure of meeting and knowing. You can fight for the house and the money, but that’s just energy, I’m not motivated by dollars or flashy cars and material items. Your families money failed to bring yourself or us happiness, with it came a bag load of guilt and shame offloaded by your parents. They tried to buy our love with cash, in order to control us into living life their way, and when we didn’t, we were judged and scathed. Money has haunted and controlled me my entire life. As long as I have a roof over my head, I can fill it with love, joy, peace and tranquility for my four amazing sons.

Take what you need. Remove and steal what you believe will bring you justice. But in the end these are the facts….

You will live your life incapable of loving.

You will never have a deep committed relationship with anyone.

Your shallow, empty shell will end up alone and miserable, a frail old man rocking in his chair in silence

Your children will never have the father the deserve, but they will find healthier male role models to nurture and guide them

This is your biggest awakening to your entitled, greedy mindset

The day you wake up and realise I did in fact leave for good, and I am not coming back, will be the day you have to face the fact that you have lost the IV drip that feeds your hardened, rigid veins

Life can be lived simply. Life doesn’t need to be filled with complications, items, riches, excess, fantasies or perfection. Life with you has taught me what’s important.

Life is beautiful. It is to be lived and loved, enjoying the things that are free like nature, our children, our pets, home-cooked food, laughter, ease, the sunshine, rainbows, the vastness of the sky and the stars, the ocean, mountains and the fresh air that we breathe. There are many wonderful people in the world who are waiting to enjoy all that life has to offer with you